Cleansed

art-sheep.com

Sarah Kane is, of course, known for her particularly dark and radical writing and is one iconic theatre writer I really wish I'd met. She's a troubled young writer of the past who, almost 20yrs later, still manages to shake up our theatre audiences, or if nothing else, certainly makes us stop abruptly to think, to analyse, to be shocked.

10 mins into 'Cleansed' at the Dorfman Theatre and we'd already lost two members of the audience due to fainting. That tells you most of what you need to know about a Kane theatre experience. As director, Katie Mitchell says: 'We are not shirking any of the violence requested in the stage directions'. 'Kane's stage directions request literal violence. A tongue is cut off with a pair of scissors. Hands are cut off. So how do you do that in a way that is not symbolic?' Well she found the answer to that one pretty quickly it seems. Mitchell embraces the sexual violence, ripping it from the page and brandishing it to audiences that shift uncomfortably in their seats, discover an unusual interest in the lighting rig and distract themselves by digging the dirt from beneath their fingernails - perhaps this is what Kane pictured when she titled the piece 'cleansed' -  never before have fingernails emerged so immaculate.

nationaltheatre.org.uk

SPOILERS

The production is set in what seems like a derelict school or prison facility in which it is not just the body that is trapped. The mind is too. Outside the walls of this prison there is nothing but hopelessness with the sound of bombs dropping, placing our abstract narrative amidst a world at war. The war exists inside as well, with a power hierarchy much representative of Nazi brutality during the holocaust. As Kane referenced herself, Roland Barthes said, 'when one is in love, one is in Dachau', so perhaps this informed the location that Kane needed for such a powerful and brutal, sexual message.

theartsdesk.com

The play begins with protagonist 'Grace' in a red dress, watching on as Graham begs for heroine from Tinker, the complex villain of our tale, who sadistically injects it into his eye - a bit of a metaphor for the piece really - injecting pain and brutality into the eyes of its beholders. That's where we lost audience member number one.

Grace, is looking for her brother (Graham). Her journey leads her to him, alive and well and the two duel like lovers, dancing together half-naked until Grace clambers on top of him to make love.

thestage.co.uk

Though Graham is not the only one with affection for Grace. Matthew Tennyson is marvellous as Robin, who not only looks amazing in a dress but who conveys the vulnerability of his character beautifully. He ventures out to buy Grace chocolates before Tinker catches him and feeds them to him one by one, with the same tool he'd cut Carl's tongue off with. We were watching torture, with Tinker instilling his dominance over such a likable and fragile victim. Robin struggles with his feelings for Grace, explaining that he's never been with anyone before. He exclaims 'I love you'. Grace replies 'I love you too'. He is delicate and it is a tragic moment as he shouts for help, for understanding, for someone to talk to, before ending it all with a noose made from tights. Matthew Tennyson is most definitely the highlight of this wholly unbearable experience.

metro.co.uk

We also meet two homosexual lovers, Rod and Carl. Carl declares 'I'll love you forever'. Rod can only say, 'I love you now'. He struggles with commitment. The savage nature of love places them in this facility together, as Carl is systematically tortured, his tongue cut off, his hands cut off, his feet cut off. He is forced to confront exactly what commitment to Rod meant for him, 'I love you, forever'. The very words that had placed him in this nightmare. His final torture, is also his final moment of pleasure, as Rod struggles to support him as they have sex with one another. Soon after, Rod is shot. Carl - his fate is much worse.

standard.co.uk

Our torturer Tinker is just as complex as our other characters. An exotic dancer arrives throughout the piece to perform for him, as he tries to pleasure himself, though it seems that he struggles with intimacy and instead asks, 'can we be friends?'. Grace mimics the girl's dancing, drawing attention to her quest for understanding her sexuality. Tinker is as emotionally trapped as his prisoners. He tells the woman 'I love you'. She replies 'I love you' too. They later have sex, with the girl dirty-talking as they do so, telling him she loves him, telling him to finish 'inside' - only he can't. Suddenly his villainy aligns - he is punishing those around him for their sexuality because he is unsure of his. He cannot be aroused by women or perhaps, cannot be aroused by the very nature of sexuality at all, that he so greatly despises.

nationaltheatre.org.uk

nationaltheatre.org

The final scene emerges. Tinker, out of frustration, shoots the woman dead. Grace is strapped to a bed and wheeled offstage, Carl wheeled offstage too. The two return to stun their audience as it all begins to make sense. Grace did not love her brother Graham. Not sexually anyway. Graham was the embodiment of who she wanted to be. She was trapped inside a woman's body and was screaming to find her true self, fantasising about his body. As she seeks help, she is subjected to systematic rape and violence. She tries to mimic the actions of those around her, flirting with the confusion of her gender and sexuality both at once. She explores both the female and male body and is finally confronted with her primary wish.

She reappears as Tinker reveals menacingly that the surgery is complete. He has removed Carl's sexual organs and attached them to Grace, with some very clever, if-not shocking, costume design here. She becomes Graham and despite the turmoil she's been through, says 'thank you'? This is, it seems, the harrowing and completely sickening journey of a desperate woman's journey to become who she was inside. A systematic torture centre, punishing the gender identity and sexuality of its prisoners, again as Barthes said, 'when one is in love, one is in Dachau'.

thestage.co.uk

The piece, although abstract, is extraordinarily clever. The events managing to represent ill mental health, torture, sexual desire, confusion, growth and love, all at once. It is a play about identity about pushing and pulling ourselves through our own sexual discoveries, about growing through our pain (symbolised by the sunflowers and daffodils that appear through the boards). It's about others taking pleasure in our torture and only some of us make it out the other side. Mitchell manages to give this piece new meaning with the growing conversation around transgender identity - the piece portraying the struggle, the betrayal, the hope, the torment, the torture - all parts of this tragic clambering through life in order to find our true selves.

Despite my acknowledgement of this vigorous declaration of all aspects of love and pain, one thing was certainly clear upon leaving the theatre, I felt anything but 'Cleansed'.

Sources: http://londoncalling.com/features/katie-mitchell-cleansed-national-theatre

I Am A Girl

'I Am A Girl' is a 15min hybrid doc that embraces the life of transgender teen Joppe. It's different from other docs around the same subject in that rather than twisting it into an angsty/crisis story, film-maker Susan Koenen crafts it into a well-made film about beauty and teenage crushes.

The film celebrates Joppe's identity and her strength and confidence in her transition. She is absolutely stunning on camera and I envy her perfect skin like no other! I cannot help but find her energy infectious and her friendships touching. For a film I clicked through to on a whim, I was so glad to learn about Joppe, rather than about transgender issues. Of course, issues aren't shyed away from, but it is secondary to her story and instead, it is her confidence and energy that shines through. I really enjoyed the hybrid nature of this doc as Joppe hides in the bushes to spy on her crush and as she rides her bike in the sunlight. These scenes are beautifully shot with using well-muted natural sunlight and really emphasises the joy she feels at being allowed to be who she wished to be. Oh, and I have to say, Joppe you're not the only girl who wishes she had the figure of her friends!

If more docs were made like this, with a touch of personality and a focus on the 'people' over the issues, we may just be able to win around that corner of society that refuses to accept girls like Joppe for the beautiful, passionate people that they are.

The film is about embracing truths, loving without boundaries and being free to live the lives we choose. Leave a comment!

Religion is People

It seems for most of us, it's harder to have faith in people than it is to assume the worst. I must be a bit of a weird one in that I am often blown away by human actions for good reasons, far more often than I am by bad.

Ok, so he wasn't dressed like this - but still

For example, I think I found Santa! My partner and I were on the overground on our way to support a friend at his comedy gig, and a child was tired and crying. It didn't matter what her dad tried to do to make her stop, she kept crying. A man sat nearby had clearly just been Christmas shopping and was laden with gifts. He reached into his bag and pulled out a teddy bear. He gave it to the dad to calm the child down and lo and behold, it worked.

The tube stopped a few stops down the line and the father and daughter turned to get off the train. The dad reached out to the man to give him back his teddy bear and the man simply said, 'no, don't worry, keep it'. What a lovely man! It was certainly an easy way to cheer up an entire carriage. As I looked around everyone in the train was smiling having just witnessed a very natural and spontaneous act of kindness. It was definitely Santa in disguise!

Alan Turing

I find it quite hard to explain even to my partner how much people inspire me. I honestly think they are amazing. Having just seen 'The Imitation Game' and seeing how much Alan Turing achieved, even though he found it hard to make friends and was labelled an odd ball, really got to me. As I tried to explain why I have so much faith in people, I found I couldn't even finish my sentence. I was crying. And that is why I cannot explain why people amaze me so much, because it is so overpowering that there just aren't words to express it. 

Others say such faith is naive, but I disagree. I think it's wonderful. I don't follow a religion but if I had to choose one, my religion would be people. Call it what you like, but take some time to look around this Christmas. There are lots of horrible things happening in the world but people, even amidst a world of suffering, can be wonderful. For example, my 88yr old grandmother had her purse stolen from her bag this week, and the thief ran off with an old lady's pension money she was hoping to spend on looking nice at her grandson's wedding. At this point, yes, people suck. Then comes a young policeman who's duty was to take down what happened. He didn't stop there though. He walked arm in arm with my grandmother to the post office to cancel her card before ensuring that an elderly lady was escorted home in a police car in case she was shaken up by what had happened. That last bit, is not in his job description, but he did it anyway, because he really cared about my grandmother getting home safe. At this point, people are great!

So, like I say, look around this Christmas, maybe you'll find yourself being wonderful too!

Merry Christmas!

Imperial War Museum Short Film Festival

The Coach That Made History

This film had an interesting concept. I never knew the significance of coach 2419 in which or around which so many defining events took place; the first armistice in 1918, second armistice in 1940 and so many more. The narration allowed me an insight into just how large a part it played in history and just how clever Hitler's propaganda radar really was. However, after a while I wanted more than narration. I wanted experts, I wanted interpretations, I wanted more than just some archive and a knowledgeable narrator.

That is not to say that there was not a remarkable amount of archive that had clearly meant a lot of research. But the absence of a contributor left the production searching for visuals, leaving some of the images that perhaps would ordinarily be thrown out, to find their way in (A thing I too am guilty of within my first production). There were wobbly pans and over-exposed pull focuses that although were relevant, just took away from the fact that this was actually, a very finished, interesting and informed piece.

The narration was well written and well researched but was annoyingly ruined a little by the rather intriguing choice of music. In short, I thought the music was terrible. I understood that at times it was supposed to represent jeopardy and therefore fell away from major tones and pleasing notes, but it swelled into a key bashing mess that became too prominent to ignore. My advice, find a new composer. I'm sure that their other works are better, but the thought of this soundtrack makes me shiver.

In all I thought that this would work well as a historical piece and if they sorted out the music and some of the contemporary shots that were a bit wobbly, they've got some grounding to look for distribution within museums, maybe even the IWM themselves.

The Last Words of Gavrilo Princip

I was a lot more excited about the promise of this film than it returned. However, it was an interesting angle to tell the story of Franz Ferdinand's assassin. The location was well found. The cinematography wasn't bad either. The costume was well attempted. The hardest colour to make look dirty is white, I'll say that much. A tip for the next time you need a white shirt to look like it's been worn for years, to buy a grey one. It's kinder on the aesthetic for a period piece and MUCH easier to make look dated and dirty.

I would have liked to have seen a flashback, cleverly shot could have meant there was no need for crowds, just for a third character to be shot. And a reaction shot from Gavrilo Princip. I'd also have liked to have seen some form of written reveal. He is given paper but we don't get to see the result of it. He really DID write whilst in prison, there is record of two letters written by Princip... could that have been used to give it more grounding? Particularly with the title being 'The Last Words'... we never know what those last words are!!!

The booklet was entitled Gavrilo Princips Bekenntnisse, Gavrilo Princip’s Confessions. It was published in Vienna by Rudolf Lechner and Son. It was a short monograph consisting of 32 pages. The first part was an introduction and a commentary including two letters that Princip wrote. The last section contained the stenographic notes of the conversations that Pappenheim had with Princip from February 19 to June 5, 1916. http://serbianna.com/analysis/archives/2737

These are all suggestions of course, as a piece it was nice but I feel it could have been even better as the team showed clearly that they had the skill and dedication to make something worthwhile.

Time Bleeds

I liked Time Bleeds quite a bit. I'm still a little unsure as to whether the candid voxpops/interviews were the actors being genuine or if they were acting there too. Aside from that, it was a great idea to show the relevance of the world war in our modern lives. Rather than preaching it, it painted the picture for us, which made it less of an appeal and more of a dramatic exploration. It also portrayed the impact it had on a generation, a young generation. It had some powerful re-enactment scenes with those characters we'd already met elsewhere.

More than that, I have to applaud the actor's ability. Particularly the girl with the ginger hair. I liked the symbolism and I like how the group did not try and attempt to be something that they weren't. they were an acting group, and they were portrayed as just that. I think it could be an interesting film to show within other drama classes when exploring the world war.

Desecrating Eden

Desecrating Eden was a nice angle on something I'd never known about. It did however, need a bit of context to inform the audience what it was about. There's only so much we can tell from a poem and some silent images. A blurb on screen before and after, explaining which conflict it was about, which year it concerned and what happened would have added a lot more meaning to what we saw on screen. I still don't know any more than i did about that particular part of history than when I walked in. Although I did appreciate that there were some nice archive reels within the film.

Chronicles of Courage

Chronicles of Courage was wonderfully shot and the best of the bunch that I was able to see. It had some nice Visual effects, particularly with the silhouette of our soldiers against a fiery orange sky.

The trench scenes were particularly impressive and the make-up (particularly the scar) was brilliantly done. It conveyed research, it told a story, it acknowledged that a soldier's tale is not the only tale of WW1. What was nice is that it was based on truth. Real letters that passed through the fingers of those at war and found themselves dramatised for an audience 100yrs later. There's almost a bit of magic in that and the magic was justified. 

The narration was well read, the cinematography well planned and well executed. The grading was nice. I can't really fault it to be honest, It's voice was not to inform, nor to teach, more to express a personal reflection on personal experiences therefore we can find no fault in that.

Great film, I hope it's released by Savage Mills for the masses to enjoy.

It's even inspired me to think more pro-actively about a documentary idea about women in WW1.

Behind the Fence

'Behind the Fence' is a 12min Polish documentary with no voiceover nor narration. But it doesn't need either to be brilliant.

Film-maker Marcin Sauter manages to capture on film some of the best moments of childhood. Through merely observing, we are allowed to assume our own narrative whilst being treated to the gentile nature of children and their devotion to discovery, learning and determination.

A particular favourite moment is when the young girl is dressing herself. She shows such determination in trying that it's almost infectious. I couldn't help but feel a smile spread across my face and a will for her to complete her task!

In reading Barry Hampe's 'Making Documentary Films & Reality Videos' he speaks often of the need for visual representation of the story. He says that images should speak as images alone, without the need for narration and this film not only illustrates but proves his point, innocently and beautifully.

The film is available to view for free here: http://dafilms.com/download/key/PR0JqK6Cdx
So why not give it 12mins of your time?

'The Happiness Hypothesis'

I don't normally write blogposts about books but this time I feel as though I have to, or I won't sleep. What sounds like a self-help book is actually one of the most intelligently written publications I have ever read, so much so that I found myself regularly looking up definitions to work out what author Jonathan Haidt was talking about.

happinesshypothesis.com

What I found within this brightly coloured little book, were the keys to the kingdom. I was treated to a bundle of well-chosen, inspirational quotations promoting human understanding and the need for coherence between the sciences and humanities. What followed was a deep satisfaction for finding someone else in this universe who seemed to believe in the importance of sociology and of peace and tolerance, but not in the way that would see me confined to a country teepee around a bonfire, smoking grass and playing the didgeridoo - although that's fine too. Instead it offers an insight into the greatest psychological findings from across the globe, both ancient and contemporary, explaining not just how we find happiness in ourselves, but promoting an understanding of why humans act in the way we do, what is built into our physiological being and what we ourselves have conjured to cover our traits. It seems there is no categorical imperative for any ethical decision based upon these findings.

Our tongues are quick to lawyer the actions of our unconscious being, our biological reactions to nurture, empathy and 'divine experience' are bonds between all fellow social beings, regardless of where they may come from or which beliefs they may hold. We find honour in accepting our own misgivings, we find joy in love and love in work, we work towards virtue whilst simultaneously dismissing the virtue of others as 'pure evil' because we, through our own 'naive realism' expect that we and we alone see the world for what it truly is - regardless of whether this paragraph makes any sense to you or not, it champions how wonderfully complicated we as humans are. It depicts our very creation as a work of art to be cherished, to be studied, to be read and read it can be... all within the pages of a little yellow book (with the assistance of a dictionary).

My reading was indeed a happy experience, it made me feel somewhat lighter and has inspired me to make my own investigation using certain theories within Haidt's book. My investigation will be based around the reasoning behind the rise in entertainment television and the gradual extinction of specialist factual programming, drawing upon the psychology that accompanies the emotions we share with our TV screens and perhaps, the benefits we are denying ourselves by not experiencing adversity or disappointment through what we watch, that could consequently provide us the opportunity to learn and to grow.

I could be here all night, and I'm not convinced that writing any of this down will help me sleep but I thoroughly recommend this book. You might just stumble across your very own happiness hypothesis along the way.

Oh and help Haidt and his friends in their research by taking part in their online surveys and questionnaires here: https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/

Stories We Tell

I'm still not quite sure what to make of Stories We Tell. It was sold to me as an award-winning attractive-looking film with a profound message about family and I'm not completely convinced that this is what I found.

Perhaps the biggest hindrance for me was the absence of any description as to who each contributor was. All that we as an audience are given, is a single name which does not help us at all when trying to discover the relationships between the people featured. I realised why this was necessary towards the end of the film but I feel that it made it quite hard to follow in the early stages. There are still two female contributors I have no idea about.

Michael Polley

The two different filming locations of Michael Polley, our director's father, did not help us out either. In both shots, one in recording studio and another at the kitchen table, he looked completely different and it took me a good 40mins to decide that it was in fact the same man. So for a long while I was sat thinking to myself, 'how many dads does this girl have?'.

From confusion to illusion - I am also undecided on the effectiveness of "archive" within the film. The recreation of the past, to create a visual version of the mother we never get to meet, is almost a little too fabricated. There are moments where we believe that it's real, with her mother applying make-up in the mirror and winking to the camera etc. Here, the illusion works.

Michael Polley

However, the recreation of those defining moments, like when Harry tells Sarah that he is in fact, her father, just seemed false. We cannot recreate our instinctive reactions to these moments and I would much rather have looked into the eyes of Sarah or Harry retelling the story. The same is so for when Sarah tells this information to her father, Michael, I would much rather have witnessed his own raw emotions in telling the story, than seeing it falsely replicated. I wanted to see what it meant to him to see the daughter he'd raised, become the daughter of another man.

Despite this, the behind the scenes shots and recreated reels of the past were attractive in style, filmed in 16mm film and upholding the quirky, showbiz edge that seemed to so deeply define their mother. I was just not completely sure about the use of them all within the same documentary.

Sarah Polley & biological father Harry

It is hard to condemn the film completely, although we aren't quite sure whose documentary this is, whose story it's telling, it does hold some quality. It holds some messages that we can relate to. For example, when Michael tells Sarah that it does not matter if she is not biologically his, he still loves her. It remind us all that family is not necessarily the ones that share our DNA, it's not that simple. There is more to family than blood.

Sarah Polley - writer/director

We watch a family held together by the memory of their mother and the stories that they tell about are the things that keep her memory alive - that at least comes through in the documentary. Director Sarah Polley encourages a candid response from her contributors but in this almost disengages them from the raw emotion of each revelation. I felt a little let-down that I did not get to witness these revelations first hand and instead watched a reconstruction of that scene, albeit filmed attractively. I wanted to see them being cheated, being loved, feeling loss and only once was I given this opportunity. It's all very well putting on a brave face, stiff upper lip and all that, but it did not make for a particularly compelling story.

Overall, I suppose I like the way the film made me think and I suppose, I respect its ambition in defying genre as a documentary. It may not have been the beautiful story I envisaged but it tried and succeeded in many other areas. The soundtrack was well-chosen and story an engaging one at times. It is just a shame that most of my concentration went on working out who was who and why no-one seemed to care that at least three men had slept with our leading lady at the same time. I'm aware that my opinion is a rare one and many behold Stories We Tell as a masterpiece of its time. I'd like to say I too found a profound message about family within the film, I just happen to disagree.

A Burning Dream

Are you an escapist? A socialist? All for freedom of expression? Then 'A Burning Dream' is a film worth watching - although perhaps not if you are a long term sufferer of acute wanderlust, as I am.

It's not the first documentary that's explored the Burning Man Festival but it was almost enough for me to book my tickets to Nevada and never look back. It follows the experiences of Massimiliano Davoli, who on the death of his best friend , discovered £10,000 in an envelope on the street. The debate over whether it was moral or not to keep it is almost irrelevant as he embarks upon a journey that transforms his way of thinking and ours alike. 

In a journey from Rome to London (where people turn their back on answering what it means to be Londoner) on to San Francisco, Massimiliano finally rests in Nevada at The Burning Man Festival. Here, a wonder we all wish to behold is presented as a haven for all of us free-thinking hippies. Black Rock City is hive of creativity and togetherness against a backdrop of a desert that seems to stretch for miles.

abcnews.go.com

At first I wasn't entirely sure what to make of the film, unsure of what our presenter set out to find, but soon enough, it unfolded into a beautiful journey of self-discovery for both contributors and audience. As he drives blind through the stormy sand dunes of the desert and as dust settles on the sunrise, we are bombarded with a huge 60,000 people celebrating in costumes, face paint, dancing, singing, meditating and wholly embracing togetherness.

It's fresh because we aren't diving in to the festival, it's not a film about that. It's a film about finding yourself, about seeing things that aren't normal for you and about asking questions and meeting people you perhaps would never talk to on the street. This is what makes it relevant to any audience. Massimiliano is a little awed at the festival and finds it more difficult to embrace its culture than the 'regulars'. His own personal discovery and the process of just letting go, is what makes this film so charming.

There isn't a lot I can say about the camerawork, I mean the camera goes through so many sandstorms I don't know how they actually filmed anything at all. But the story, whether it was ever intended to be a documentary or just a personal film, turned out to be one that resonated with me and I feel that it would with many others. The height of the film, when Massimiliano writes a note to his deceased friend, the film feels to have come full circle.

I want to watch it again and again. The credits rolled and left me feeling fulfilled, at peace and ready to take on the world with a new perspective. The voiceover and narration would normally seem too much, a little indulgent but it's the burning Man Festival, it's what it's all about. It help that it comes in a French accent though, I don't think a Londoner would get away with the same script.

If the film is released into the public realm, you should certainly devote an hour to watching it. Even if it's just to listen to the French poetry and to watch some free-willed people dance naked through the fire. Here's a sample of what you'd be getting:


And here's the Trailer:

Walking the Camino: Six Ways to Santiago

The Camino, otherwise known as 'The Way of St. James', is an 80km spiritual trek from southern France to Santiago in north-west Spain. Lydia Smith's film, brought together the many characters that embark on such a journey. 

Particular favourites of mine were Tomas and his two new travelling partners, whose relationship reminded me a little of Ernesto Guevara de la Serna (Che Guevarra) and his biking cohort Alberto Granado. They are undoubtedly kind people but making fun of one another gets them through the hard times with more than a few laughs and it's nice to watch.

I also quite loved the family and the eventual couple of Misa and William. It showed our need for companionship, even if we did not set out with that as an aim. It was lovely to watch the story unfold. Even better that the other contributors interacted with this. It made it more communal. They all met one another, there should have been more of that I think.

There are others who perhaps aren't so likeable, Brazilian blonde Sam seems a little too quick to judge for a spiritual path and although the walk may change her, I don't think it achieved much more than a sarcastic jibe at her German neighbour and maybe a more open response to her fear of the future. Although her story of leaving everything behind in Rio is one of extreme faith in the Camino, I don't think it really added to the film.

I won't sit and describe all of the characters as I could be here all day. Perhaps we could have lost a few. For example, Jack & Wayne, although they reflect the diversity of age on the Camino, they didn't really bring much to the table. Nor did our Brazilian friend. I think with a little more time to follow the more entertaining contributors, the film could be made better. We might also have more of an emotional response when see their journey completed.

It is a charming look at the colourful characters that we encounter throughout our lives. It does also, restore a little faith in the viewer as well as the contributors, that the world isn't all that bad. For example, the German man who carried Annie's rucksack for the miles that she could not. The film captures the generosity of humanity and for that reason, is a little hard to dislike. There are some great examples of landscape cinematography and I would love to see a behind the scenes reel of how exactly the crew followed the contributors on their journey. It invokes a spirit within you for peace, for time alone, to find yourself. Something that at the moment, is extremely relevant to me. The film, could be better I think but that is not to say it is bad. I enjoyed the film and think I too could find peace in such an undertaking.

To find out more about the film, head to: http://caminodocumentary.org/ where there is loads of info about the making of the film and also where you can go to purchase the DVD when it's made available. If you're an escapist, I'd recommend it.

8 Questions to Define You

I read online the other day that there are eight questions that when answered, can define you. I was intrigued and so I set out to answer them myself, having a felt a little lost lately. Here's the result...

Are you seriously going through with this?

What's your tennis ball? (What pulls you towards it, what are you chasing after)

What am I chasing, success I suppose like any other. More than that though, happiness. In all honesty though, right now, I'm chasing me. I'm being pulled towards finding myself again, as amongst all of the excitement of growing up and finding jobs and not knowing what the hell this council tax letter ACTUALLY means, I think I lost I bit of me somewhere.

For example, I don't usually read these things on the internet and actually try to implement the findings in my life but here I am writing a blog about some article that told me these eight questions could define me again. Well, I suppose I should start somewhere...

What am I doing when I feel most beautiful?

There are two answers to this. One answer is when I am travelling or exploring. I feel... freer and feel the twinkle come back to my eyes. Kamal often says he finds me most beautiful outdoors and it's because I feel free. Even in my bedroom there are walls to keep me in but by being outside, by walking through fields or staring across mountain tops knowing that I've climbed to the top to be able to see it... that to me is beauty and in turn, makes ME feel truly beautiful too (even if the rest of the world sees a sweaty, freckly mess!)

The second answer is when I am speaking passionately about something. As part of my role as Regional Ambassador for the Holocaust Educational Trust, it means I often find myself speaking in front of large groups of people - often quite important people too! When I'm on a mission to say something or get to the bottom of something, when my adrenaline allows my confidence to soar, I feel beautiful then. I'm in my element.

What is something you believe that almost no-one agrees with you on?

Cucumber should only be eaten with salt? No, not good enough...

I suppose, that history is there for us to learn from. It's easy to dismiss history as something of the past but unless we heed history's warnings and celebrate it's offering, we will only ever repeat the mistakes of those who lived before us. People agree with me but mostly, people just think that history is about a bunch of dead people, which it is. But we'll all be dead one day, wouldn't it be nice to think that people might care about us?

Hmm what else?

I know: that the world was once one massive piece of land. It makes me really passionate about the fact that wars between us, are all wars between our own people. It's not a concept that most of us will ever adopt, but it's true nevertheless! And I will not refrain from making people aware of that. Ok, so it's not going to bring about world peace in a day but I like the notion all the same. It makes me feel less lonely.

What are your superpowers, character traits?

Superpowers... I'm not sure about. If we're looking at character traits, then we should start at my complete inability to heed my own advice. Next, we should journey to my setting of ridiculously impossible tasks that only I would consider embarking upon. Perhaps then, we could stop at my failure to believe that anything is ever finished. In terms of character traits, my brain is my worst enemy. It means I think far too much at any given minute and leaves my emotions running wild all too often, although I'm not one for letting that show.

My Best Superhero Pose

I'm not sure what my superpowers are. Kamal always says he loves that I am open to anything, so I guess that might be one. I guess another is something my lecturer told my parents at my graduation last year, in that according to him I 'have a pretty high emotional intelligence when it comes to reading people'. That's not always necessarily a good thing, it can get a bit annoying too so superpower...perhaps not. But I guess in terms of all the other questions on this list, emotional intelligence is something that's certainly going to help me approach those sensitive subjects that I wish to when film-making and one that might go some way into revealing how to get my head back in the game. It's no superpower, but it's all I got. I guess I'm quite good at climbing too.

What did you enjoy doing at the age of 10?

Playing football and writing stories.
I think that moves some way towards proving the existence of a returning rift in my personality. Which one means more to me? Two years ago I told myself that I could make documentaries as a career and keep football as a hobby. I told myself it was a lot harder to do it the other way around. That was before I realised how much of my sanity lay in playing football and playing it well at that. I do sometimes think I could very easily work a normal day job in Sainsburys or Wetherspoons and live to play football with Maidenhead Ladies again. Although, having met all the people I have and realised also how much it means to me to have something to say about society through making films, I'm not so sure the decision is that easy.

Ten year old me is still in there. I want to runaway, explore, climb trees, laugh and pretend that I don't have rent to pay every month. My inner child is not completely suffocated... oh no! The weekend is just enough enough time to rejuvenate the youth and be a little reckless with adulthood. I just sometimes wish it could last a little longer.

What are you willing to try now?

Anything and everything - except weird seafood and skydiving. I've recently realised how much I thrive on new experiences, on change, on travel. Every time I travel I return revitalised and more knowledgeable about the world which in turn, drives my passion to make documentaries about all those things you come across along the way. For example, last year I went to Israel and amongst trying Falafel and rugelach and floating in the Dead Sea, I found a hugely differing outlook on politics. It seemed odd to me that somewhere with so much conflict could be so peaceful. Similarly it seemed odd that you never heard of the conflict, which made me feel a little more uneasy about how it seemed to sit so comfortably in the foundations of society. 

Back to willingness to try - I've tried recently to stop being so sensible with my money and allow myself a little time to have fun. For the three years I've lived in London, I have always worked, always saved and not really given myself the chance to truly enjoy the city. It made it hard for me to love London. London is a very lonely place when you don't allow yourself a fiver to get the tube to where things happen. Trying this new outlook has left me feeling a little more optimistic about life in the city. 

To try, is to learn. To learn, is to see. To see, is to show.
What will I try? I don't know, anything I guess... Try me?! 

Looking back on your career 20, 30 years from now what do you want to say you have accomplished?

Again, this is a hard one for me. After making a speech at City Hall earlier this year, I was approached by a Tory canvasser who told me I'd make a good politician. My instant response - an unexpected reflex - was to say 'never'. When asked why, I said without hesitation, because you can never keep your promises to everyone. You can't win.

The amazing Susan Pollack - Holocaust Survivor

I couldn't stop thinking about that for the whole journey home. It was as if something about my desire was released within me without me planning for it. I realised then that I wanted a career that would help people. I wanted a career that would help people say what they needed to say. That for me comes with factual film-making. The films I want to make will tell of wars and of inspiration and of the past and of the future, as my recent documentary attempted to do. I want to look back on my career and say I accomplished the making of a film that really made a difference to its contributors or to its audience. The feeling I got from speaking to the holocaust survivors for my doc 'After Auschwitz' truly inspired me and from that I learned that I want to accomplish the need within me to help tell someone else's story to the world, in the hope that it might just make it, just that little bit better.

What is your sentence? (One that sums you up, who you are and what you want to achieve)

I used to be good at this. Summing up a lot of information in one sentence but as you can tell from this blogpost, it's no longer a talent I maintain. Perhaps a philosophy will do. Someone else's sentence:

'Life is easier than you think...all you have to do is: accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, bear the intolerable and be able to smile at anything'

This is something I live by, not always intentionally. My aim is always to be able to smile again. It falters. I cry. I take a deep breath and tell myself to pull myself together.

We are stronger, bigger and better than we think and thinking, is almost always the problem. I think too much. For that reason I am going to heed my own advice for the first time in as long I can remember. I'm not going to think and I will admit defeat at this question... I don't have a sentence. Perhaps one day I will. But right now, I am 21 years old and my sentence is changing.

When in Rome...