2017 - A Year of Self-Discovery

Perhaps it's a cliché - but 2017 for me, has been a year of self discovery. A year that began with unemployment, crippling anxiety and constant self criticism. A year that is ending with unemployment too, but there's one big difference, and that is that I'm ok.

Late in 2016 I had my first experience of anxiety following a traumatic evening in a pitch black restaurant. Subsequently, I couldn't go out for a meal, I couldn't go to the theatre, I struggled going to the cinema - unless I had an aisle seat and knew I could run out. I couldn't be close with relatives or sit on the bus with the windows all fogged up so I couldn't see outside. I couldn't sit in a busy room unless it was by the door. A lot of Christmas was spent in bed, over analysing why I felt so anxious with the people I love and crying my eyes out because all I wanted was to be ok, to scoop up my nephew and cuddle him and not worry about the nearest exit (or the nearest loo). It left me feeling disconnected and numb to the world and it was a real struggle, sometimes impossible to muster the energy to fight back. (A big thank you to my mum who did absolutely everything over Christmas to understand, who hugged me and let me cry as well as propping me up and pushing me on. Forever there to listen to my woes).

Once back in London, January was hard, but it was the first time Kamal and I had properly spent time together since I'd got back from working in Cardiff in November. Slowly, I felt able to take small steps towards returning to normal. Kamal was patient and supportive and he'd constantly remind me that it was ok to step outside if I needed to, to pop to the loo to take some deep breaths or just take my time. I reminded myself that talking it through with him helped both of us to understand that it wasn't an issue between us, it was that anxiety had a grip of every part of me - but slowly the grip loosened. We started going out for meals and to the cinema, not all without a hitch and a few tears, but I was fighting back and that's all we said we wanted. Kamal was happy to spend more time going for walks and being outdoors, because I felt at my most comfortable in the open. I am eternally grateful for having someone who is willing to listen, to understand, to back off when I need to fight things on my own but to always be there when I need a helping hand. 

I told myself that the first step to fighting anxiety was to begin to accept the parts of me that I didn't always like - like my scars. I took some photos that didn't shy away from showing off my scars, they are a part of me and I refused to let my fear of what people thought of me to get in the way of accepting myself. Eleven months later and it's not a total transformation, work being the hardest place to show this version of me - but I hope to conquer that one too.

At the end of January I was finally offered some interviews after three months of unemployment. I met with a producer at the BBC and a few weeks later was back in the world of work - fighting my anxiety quietly in the background. Work has always helped me - focussing my mind on other things, learning about the world and helping to make my problems feel smaller. At work day to day I felt relatively anxiety-free but I was incredibly nervous about the live broadcast at the end of it. I knew that for two hours we would be live on air and I would be unable to step outside, use the loo or take my time. In March came the big day, and I felt myself getting anxious. But despite the craziness of a live broadcast and two newbies to events commentary sitting in the firing line, it all went well (with the assistance of a couple of Imodium). I was proud of myself at having not had a complete meltdown but at the same time, incredibly frustrated that it had taken an Imodium to put my brain at ease. I told myself that next time, I'd fight it without.

I stopped giving anxiety a name because by putting every hiccup or feeling of unease down to anxiety was giving it power over me. We all get nervous, we all have moments where we think we can't do it - that's not anxiety, that's human. I took each day as it came and did my best. For a few months I had barely drunk any alcohol because I feared what the slight loosening of control would prompt of my anxiety and from about March this year I decided that I could throw caffeine out of my diet too. Alcohol has made a comeback without side effect but caffeine has gone for good and I don't miss it one bit.

Since March I've worked across 6 more programmes this year, including plane journeys and immense pressure - and every one without anxiety. Following the successful flights, I'm back to the old me, lusting over foreign excursions and beauty spots across the globe. I've pushed myself in other ways too. Speaking to people on the phone has always been a big deal for me. Being a researcher I have to swallow that anxiety every day because I want to get the job done and do it well. And as soon as they pick up the phone I love talking to them. But sometimes by the end of the day, when you've been battling away the 'don't pick up the phone' demons - you are absolutely exhausted. But I'd done it.

In August after recovering from an ankle injury involving a curb and a few loud cracks, I decided that football was something I needed in my life again too. Late last year it had really helped to run off the demons with a few 5kms. My belief in my ability suffered a hit at the end of last year on leaving Cardiff City but some games with Orpington Ladies (possibly the most fun and supportive team I've ever played for) and a chance to play at Charlton ground The Valley told me that if I was ever going to do it, then it should be now. So I re-signed with Maidenhead Ladies with a view to play in the Women's Premier League and every Wednesday I've been travelling to Maidenhead for training and every Saturday night too to play on Sundays. Frustratingly my first game resulted in injury, meaning a month of rest, rehab and training which was entirely frustrating and meant a lot of commitment to getting match fit again. But I did, and considering that I committed myself alongside a TV job, which many of you know becomes your entire life - I'm pretty proud that despite anxiety, despite the workload, I came through on a promise to myself to get back in the game. I've got a long way to go to get back to my best, but I'm glad to be in place to do it.

I didn't come out of anxiety completely unscathed. My ability to multitask through a large to-do list left me feeling overwhelmed a lot quicker than usual. By November though, on perhaps the most overwhelming job of them all, remembrance Sunday, I felt back in control and I'm getting better at breaking up my tasks into manageable chunks. I've even got a few edits done at home which have been on a list on my wardrobe for about 3 years!

Two injuries, a few relapses in anxiety-fighting, a cockroach infestation in the flat - all could have thrown me over the edge. In November I was so ill I went through 5 boxes of tissues in a week and even forced myself to drink Lemsip, which to those who know me, is a big no no! And now, in December I'm unemployed. But none of these things won, I did. There were moments when anxiety won, and when the world felt so distant from me that my duvet was about the only obstacle I could conquer - but at the end of the year the resounding victory most definitely goes to me.

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I read a book about my ENFP personality which threw me into a whirlwind of over-thinking every aspect of the way I lived my life, the way I made decisions, the way I interact with others - I had to call it out and forget about it. I learned that analysing everything I do and why I do it is exhausting and sometimes makes a problem bigger than it needs to be, so I've stopped analysing. I've stopped overthinking what other people say to me. I've stopped seeking reassurance from others and tried instead to reassure myself, to be my own best friend, encouraging myself onwards and reminding me to constantly push the limits of what I think I can achieve.

I've pushed myself and tested myself. I've done things that I thought might be too much too soon. I can go to the theatre again, and to big meals in busy restaurants, and venture into the unknown. I may still have to take a few deep breaths to get myself there but ultimately I know as soon as I get there, I'll be absolutely fine. I recognise how much the outdoors benefits me, how much being active benefits me and how lowering my own expectations of myself has been the best thing I've ever done. I've committed myself to football, to work, to various other projects and I've started to feel like myself again - but a version of myself that cares less about what the world thinks of me, and less about piling on the pressure and the constant need to be productive (hence the lack of blogposts this year). I'm ok that right now there's no money coming in, I am deliberately careful with my money for moments like these. I'm ok that a lot of my days off this month I've been in bed til 11 because you know what - I deserve it.

I've been reminded that spending time with friends, family and with the wonderful Kamal is what matters to me and accepting that I am not forever invincible nor always exceptional, may have been a huge shock this time last year, but for now I'm ok with being just ok. My anxiety might still be there somewhere, but it's just going to have to deal with my superior existence - sorry bud.

School Swap: Korea Style

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Kids in South Korea can rack up a huge 90 hours of learning in just 5 days. In fact, it is even considered the norm. Kids here in the UK spend only 6.5hrs or so at school each day - sometimes less - dedicating themselves to education. Of course there are exceptions, but the differences across the two education systems, are staggering and plain to see.

South Korea is rated at the top of the PISA education rankings table, Wales is (at the time of broadcast) rated 36th. However, if you look at the happiness levels of the same pupils, it becomes increasingly obvious that South Korea falls at the bottom of the table. So why the disparity?

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The suicide rate of young men aged between 10 and 30 in South Korea, is the highest in the world. we meet one man, who lost two close friends to suicide along the way, put down to educational pressures and exertion. And with up to 18hrs of studying a day leaving kids sleeping at their desks, it's no wonder that the figures are that bad. In a country that's economy has rocketed over the last ten years, where illiteracy feels almost phased out and where education is embedded as part of religious ceremony, exam results might just be the most important date in the calendar, which is an undeniable achievement, but is also putting an incredible amount of pressure on young people.

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In South Korea teachers are respected and education is valued, seeing approx 99% of students continue to study beyond the age of 16, as opposed to around 50% of Brits. As our Welsh students maintain, there is definitely something to be learned from their education system, though perhaps the way forward is to find a middle ground. There needs to be a culture of self-improvement, a desire to be educated in the UK, that simply isn't there at the moment. The 6 kids seemed to unanimously agree that a system somewhere in between the two cultures would be a healthy compromise. A system that allows time for creativity, for free expression for recreation and relaxation but one that also values learning, offers additional support and encourages educational engagement.

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The show couldn't have chosen more polite kids to partake in the 3 day experiment. After 3 days of intense study and lack of sleep, our kids from Wales were definitely pleased to get back to the UK's more relaxed approach to schooling. There may not be roads filled with private tutors open until 10pm, nor schools that are open until midnight but there is an education system that allows us not just to memorise facts but to learn, think, form our own opinions and challenge our knowledge and others. Perhaps trips like this are the way to inform our governments on how to reach a happy medium that will allow us all to better ourselves intellectually but never at the expense of our happiness.

Read more about the School Swap here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-38080752

Professor Green: Suicide and Me

'Suicide and me' does a lot for the image of mental health. Professor Green (Stephen Manderson) brings it within our reach, lets us know that even the best of us have a relationship with a struggle for self-worth and happiness.

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It certainly identified with me. I struggled with finding happiness when I first moved to London and even more in telling people how I felt. The day I knew I needed help was when I first self-harmed, which, alongside suicide and eating disorders, is one of the most misunderstood acts of depression, both by those who have inflicted it upon themselves, and by those who haven't. To those who cut, it's a coping mechanism, a symbolic image that separates the pain and channels your negative feelings. To those who don't, it's a sign of weakness, attention seeking, a cry for help. I would never have shown anyone my cuts, it was my way of coping not of seeking attention. Manderson does well to open up these kinds of conversations around suicide and throw away the taboo to discover the reality of what's going on inside. He discovers that although these acts are too often seen as selfish, to the sufferer, it is often the opposite. A way to make things better, to relieve the burden on their families, to end the negative cycle.

Stephen explores what happens when we are unable to speak up about our troubles and share them, as well as exploring the negative thought processes that can lead to suicide. Spaces like the Maytree play integral roles in changing the way we approach conversations around suicide and mental health issues. Showing approaches like this, is why this programme, among others, is so important. (http://www.maytree.org.uk/)

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There has to be change in the way we, as a society, tackle the hard times, talk about depression, about ill mental health, about suicide. Only by doing this, can we go any way towards preventing it. I've learned not to set the bar too high, not to expect anything and be happily surprised when good things come. I work hard, dedicate myself to projects, to my career, to my family, friends and my partner, who was the first person to really understand. I also allow more time for the things that I enjoy, like playing football and photography. I learned that 'It's ok to cry, it's ok to talk about it' as Manderson's relatives echo. Everyone has bad days, but the good days will come.

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This isn't a review on the quality of the programme, but instead a view on the issue at hand. We can't keep quiet about suicide, keep suppressing our feelings, swallowing our words. The fear is that when we are exposed to self-harm and to suicide, we're more vulnerable to it. But with discussion, needs to come education on how to cope. I suffered for longer than I needed to because I'd convinced myself that I could cope, when actually, I needed to talk things through to escape the blurred vision I had of life and find the beauty in it again. I did, but only because I found a way of talking, before it was too late. Sharing how we feel with family, partners, friends or even strangers, can do wonders for taking the weight off our shoulders.

It's great to see the BBC tackling these issues first hand, especially with young talent. It was all too familiar to watch as Stephen looks to camera and frustratedly exclaims, 'I'm crying again!' I s'pose filming these things is a form of therapy in itself, you spend enough takes talking about your feelings. I hope Manderson finds peace following this journey and that the programme will encourage others to travel a similar path.

I hope to see more programmes bringing the issues around mental health to the surface and encourage debate and conversation around mental health issues in the near future.

9999

9999, a documentary filmed at Merksplas, a maximum security prison in Belgium. Home to mentally ill inmates who have no guarantee of ever seeing freedom again; their release date: 31/12/9999.

9999_Trailer English from Associate Directors on Vimeo.

This documentary by Ellen Vermeulen granted fantastic access to one of the most timeless places on Earth. Where the only thing to do each day is watch shadows disappear from the wall and listen to the slow knocking of pipes. It is tragic, to see so many people unsure of their futures. Unsure of their present. They are granted no access to psychiatric help, no proper advice or control of medication and essentially left to be forgotten about in prison until either they kill themselves or die naturally. These men have made mistakes, but Vermeulen's characters are remorseful and it is heart-breaking to watch as they sit confined to their tiny rooms, that have become their only world, as their mental health and emotions fluctuate. One man explains the story of how he came to be here. He had done wrong and was scared that his father would send him to prison for fear that he would be admitted to a prison like Merksplas and left to rot, so he attacks him and leaves him for dead. He powerfully states, 'because I wanted to keep my life, I lost my life'. He knows he did wrong and he has had many years to confront this decision.

Another young man was trying to seek help for his mental health but being turned away from a clinic, he set fire to a bike to get attention. He did not receive the help he was seeking, instead he was incarcerated and has been in prison without therapy for 8 years.

The Human Rights Commission condemns the Belgian government by serving fines to them. The government merely pays the fine for the breach in human rights, and continues, business as usual, whilst approx 900 people remain in prison, without a release date.

After the showing of this incredible documentary, we were treated to a Q&A with director Ellen Vermeulen. Here's what happened:

Aud: A really powerful film with amazing access.

It's only afterwards when the media said to me, this is really absurd that you can make this, that I realise this is maybe strange, that they allow me.

Aud: So it was a challenge? You knew it was a challenge to try and make this film?

Dir: I think the challenge was not that much, how to make this film but how to be honest with what I saw and to capture this kind of, their lives. What will I show to show how their life is? I think that was the most difficult thing.

Aud: Could you tell us a little bit about how you made, why you chose to make the film as you did in the sense of locking off the camera, filming people mostly as they're doing things and keeping most of the, well keeping the interviews off camera.

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Dir: Yeh, very important moment was when, to find funding I had to shoot a trailer so I filmed myself. Afterwards I worked with a cameraman so I filmed myself. And as I was very close to my characters I filmed like very close and when i looked at it I felt bad because it was, you know a very famous dutch film-maker says 'when you have poor children with a little dirt on their mouth you feel sad for them', you feel it's like exotic and I didn't want to do that. I wanted to respect them and show them in their strength. This is one thing. but also you want to film the space. I am not a filmmaker with lots of words, I want to show. So my idea was I want to make this film and if you turn off the sound you can also see the film. But before I worked for one year and a half doing research. So the moment I filmed it was very obvious what I wanted to film, I only shot for 4 days. So I did research for one year and a half and filmed for four days. I knew how they would react when something was happening. There was one moment there was a fight between one of the prisoners and the guard. And I thought I cannot film this because if I film this I have to show tomorrow, this relationship with this guard and my film is not about that, my film is about the timelessness of their being. So, it was all very clear and that's why I think the shooting was very strict, very obvious for me.

Aud: Did you actually film the interviews or just record the sound?

Dir: Both. there are some interviews I did before I recorded them myself when I was alone.

Aud: And so the period of research, you worked without a camera did you?

Dir: Yeh, I only want to film when I'm tired of talking. The characters also said finished, stop.

Aud: Stop the research?

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Dir: We were tired talking to each other I new every spot on the wall I knew everything. I had been there for so many times so long time and I had to film. I was so upset I had to film, I had to film something with what I saw.

Aud: Have they seen the film?

Dir: Sure. They have seen it I think three times and they were really also tired of it. Yeh but it's very important because it was screened on telvsion twice in belgium and I was so afraid. They are in this little room alone and they look at television and they see themselves and this is so difficult for them. So I wanted to make sure that they knew everythign by heart. They had to know it so good because one day they are good, the next day they can be ill. And I wanted to show the film in every stage of their, every stage as much as possible.

Aud: So you also made a decision not to film, or put in the film, any sequences where they were less in control of their lives. Less well?

Dir: These are the moments that I'm not going to film because I'm there with them and there is something happening I am not a film-maker. I'm not the kind of film-maker who wants to film err, this in my reality. I didn't put the camera for 24hrs. It's the way I see their lives and it's a confusion maybe. Of course there are moments when you really see that they are ill. It's hard to film and I'm not going to show them in their weakest moment. But, I think you can feel that there is something happening with them so I wanted to give the feeling and not show everything. A judge said to me, if you see the film you can realise how much worse it is in reality and I think he's right. This is very, ok. Their life is good when you see this film. In reality it's much worse.

9999themovie.com

Aud: There were a couple of moments in the film, when people address you. Was that, were you questioning him. Or did he know he wanted to make a statement?

Dir: Yeh he wanted to make a statement and it's also about who is watching who. You are watching him all the time and I think at one moment he's like, I'm like a character in a fiction film, but he's playing with that all the time. When I entered his room he always had something for me, like I'm from the mafia. He was addressing, always symbolic to me and I think this moment is a very important moment because as a spectator you are confronted with your position of watching them and being on the outside. I was not asking anything I think this is the moment that lots of people would cut, I was just like not watching him coz I don't want him to react to me.

Aud: You say the film has been shown on TV, judges have watched it. Has the film had any impact, any debate at least?

Dir: Yeh. Things are changing. I'm not going to say it's completely because of the film but I think this film also had an impact. I showed this film for example in the European Court of Human Rights and that's very nice because lots of judges said to me, we are reading these files and now for the first time we see faces. It's like the same with judges, they say we send people to prison and now, we see what's happening in prison. The European Court is judging individuals and one month after this film, they judged the complete, they gave a fine to Belgium for everybody, not only individual anymore. So, this maybe the film, and also there is one of these guys not in my film but one of these guys who asked for euthanasia, to end his life, so it was a huge thing in Europe and it was shameful for Belgium. I think these things are, helping to change, because they now have a building for 200 people, and there are now 800-900 left. Also what is strange is that some months after the first screening, the characters were put in psychiatry, after 16yrs, 15yrs of prison, something - I don't say it's my film. but I say, it's strange.

Aud: All your 5 characters got therapy?

Dir: Yes. Very strange. Yeh, you say applause but for me it's hard because then I should have made a film about 1100 people. It's very sad that I chose them and not others.

Aud: Why did you choose those 5 people?

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Dir: Very early I wanted to film them. Four of them didn't want to be int eh film, they said no I don't want to be filmed. I think so many other people asked, can I please be in your film but they are very angry and they shout at the guard and they say, it's all their fault, no it's not. And also I wanted people to have, they have to know that they did something wrong. I met people who were proud of what they did and that was very difficult. I have to like my characters. And very early in my process I decided I wanted to film them. Like Wilfried, everybody said to me, the guards, they said 'don't talk to him, he will play with you, he will play games' and for one year and a half he has played games. he has teased me, he has offended me, he has attacked me. there was one, in my head I think there was a changing point. I was in his room and I touched the door and it closes and I couldn't go out anymore. I think I was there for 15minutes. He said to me, 'now you are depending on me, I can do whatever I want, you have to trust me'. And I was really relaxed, I am happy for that and I said 'Wilfried I totally trust you' and this was the first time I could show it to him. And I think from that moment on he had a different way of reacting to me. There were some moments he shouted at me and I never panicked, I said 'you're right', I also shout. So I thin that made him like 'ok she comes back every week, she doesn't hate me for that'. So it has been a long process.

Aud: So you talk about 8months research. Were you there once a week?

Dir: Yeh. I was there once a week, a whole day that was enough. It was not funny time, it was horrible to be there. I could not explain to anybody what is happening and now I have the feeling I can show it with this film. there was one nice thing in the European court also, there was a woman from I think Latvia and she cried and said, 'for years I am trying to explain to people what is happening and now I don't have to explain any more'. This is, it's impossible to explain, these people, whats happening. It's impossible for them to live in this way.

Aud: Do you think that in the time you were there that they found the therapy they were lacking, through you? 

Dir: Yeh, I think. I think, it's also very hard to know, they only see two kinds of people; people who judge them for what they did, like criminals and people who treat them like mentally ill people who are, who have to be treated. And I was I think the only person in their, in a long time, who was just there not judging them, not saying you are ill. I just talked to them like human beings and I think that was very nice but also very hard when I left I think. When I left I was very emotional and they were like, (happily) 'bye-bye'.

Aud: You say you wrote it, I just wondered how you call yourself a writer when this is a documentary?

Dir: Oh but this is a very directed film.

Aud: The writing aspect?

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Dir: Yeh I wrote every scene, I. It's not I know this will happen but I know this is what I'm searching for. After so many times of being there i know when I do this, how they will react so I knew for example, every scene has to have timelessness. There can be no chronology. so, the only moment there is someone saying something, is the moment the boy leaves the prison. The rest of the film is built without scenes of chronology. Even inside the scenes. this was very important for me, to write scenes that have this timelessness. So, when I make a film I know exactly what I want and I write everything down so this is a very directed film. I put people there and I say. There is one scene that I didn't know and I don't like it at all, this scene. But it was very hot in Belgium, this bit on medication. This was the first news, there was big news in Belgium, and this is the scene I really don't like and I didn't want to put in the film because it has something 'now', somebody is coming inside the room and this is not. It's very concrete what's happening there.

Aud: When they're discussing when he's going to take his medicine, today, tomorrow?

Dir: And also it was not presented, I didn't know, it was out of my control. So when this guard was coming in I was like shit, my morning scene is gone. And then, we kept on filming and then afterwards I saw that it was very hard to see because this was against the law but I really fought against my editor because I didn't want to have it in the film.

Aud: When you say it's hard to see because it's against the norm, what do you mean?

Dir: Somebody who is mentally ill in prison has to have the same treatment as somebody outside the prison, but then you see no, they have to be responsible for their own medication. So there is a doctor, a psychiatrist that says you have to take your medication. Wilfried is collecting all his pills and sometimes he says 'I'm going to kill myself one day so I collect them, it's my only freedom'. Sometimes he puts them in his toilet and he says 'eat', 'bon a petit, have a nice meal' to his toilet.

Aud: I have a question about the environment. I was amazed to see they were locked in with glass glazed doors, and was wondering about the safety aspect of that. In prison here, those safety things would never be allowed, like the stack of chairs in another scene, that could be used as weapons.

Dir: It's a very old prison, it's good for my film of course. In a very modern hospital it could be different. When I was there were some moments when there were a lot of guards who had to attack somebody who was aggressive but er, I cannot really answer your question, because they have never attacked me.

Aud: In a British prison there'd be no glass.

Dir: Wilfried says that they will happy if I kill myself coz they have the room for somebody else, and I think he's right. Nobody takes care of them, they don't mind. So I can just say that, if somebody kills themselves - next one.

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Aud: When you showed the film, was there any sense from the people running the prison that this was actually, there was something shocking here.

Dir: I made one decision that was, when you make a film people have to sign a contract. I accept that I'm in your film etc. I said to them you have to sign this contract when you have seen the film and you like it, otherwise you don't sign it. They don't have any rights, they don't have any control in their lives, I said to them I give you back something which was a huge risk for me as well because they have their strange moments as well, so I was a little bit afraid. Also with the prison itself I said to them only afterwards you have to sign and if you don't like it...but I'm not somebody who will offend the prison itself. So I show them the film, to the prisoners and nobody, they were sad to see themselves. One said, I am sad but this one is very bad, I'm ok. So it's funny to see how they react on their neighbours. And the head of the prison itself, said it's shocking but it's reality so we cannot say anything. The head of the prison was at my screening and she took the mic and she talked to the audience which was also very nice. They said, we don't like what's happening, we hope something will change.

Aud: Has anyone tried to escape?

Dir: there was one very strange moment, I made jokes about it when I was there. I said 'next time I'll bring white sheets and I'll help you escape' but no. There was one very strange moment with Wilfried, he said to me, 'this weekend you have to watch the news because somebody will be killed who is responsible for my situation, so you have to watch the news'. And then I didn't, it was very difficult for me to decide what to do because I cannot be responsible for this. I was quite sure that he would not do that but if I would share it with somebody and he knows it, then I would lose his trust. So, it happened that people said things to me, where I had to make some ethical decisions. But nobody, no, they are too weak to escape I think. They can't run.

Aud: When you say they can't run, do mean in a state of mind where they can't escape or physically unable to run? Is it the medicine?

Dir: You have seen Salem in the film, the French speaking man, that says 'I'm lost'? This man, I knew he was between 9-10 o'clock in the morning I could a little bit, we could communicate a little bit. And then it finished for the rest of the day he's sleeping, it's impossible to really talk to him. So after the film one month after the film, after shooting the film, I visited him again and maybe at 2 o'clock he was very ok, and I said 'what's happening with you Salem, it's very nice to talk but what's happening'. He said, 'I don't know, they changed my medication'. So maybe he's there 8yrs, so maybe for 8 years he had been like this, and somebody decides we'll try something else and, he woke up. They don't have anybody to defend them so they are, completely lost.

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Aud: Did your research include talking to psychiatrists to see how they SHOULD be treated?

Dir: Yes but limited. Because I really decided to show their situation from inside and I thought I don't really know the situation with law and so on. Once I talked to them, I decide now I have to shut myself off from the outside world. Of course before I could talk to them, and spoke to the guards and the people around them. So I talked a lot to them in the beginning. I had to be positive about this film because, the day I said to Wilfried a little bit from outside, I said 'I will start filming', he said 'oh you cannot'. After one year and a half he said, 'no, forget it'. And I stayed calm and I said ,'ok I'll find somebody else'. And he said 'no, no, no film us'.

Aud: how come you chose not to interview the guards?

Dir: I'm not interested int their situation. My film is about them. Every information has to be. I'm not a journalist, I hate objective films, I hate it. I want to make subjective films and I don't want if somebody says, if somebody gives an a, somebody has to give a b - no, I'm not interested in that. It's the spectator who has to make their own story and there are so many.. I'm not interested at all in showing the opinion of everybody.

Aud: Comment on the sound scape. Was it almost all, filmed in the room?

Dir: A little bit composing but the challenge was, how can we reduce the sound because in reality, there is so much sound and so we had to put filters on it to reduce the sound. And so we decided, me and the editor decided, to put some details on it, to make it there. You don't want to be in a bath of sound, you want some little points to point out some feelings. Like the toilet, the water in the pipes, this is re-constructed. it's impossible, you stand there with the mic, it's not always reality but I'm sure it's like... And sometimes I wanted to have this effect of being in their head.

The Divide

'The Divide' is more a collage of story and opinion than a structured documentary with a conclusion as to how we solve the issue of economic inequality. Inspired by Richard Wilkinson & Kate Pickett's book 'The Spirit Level', which examines the road to social equality, common misconceptions and the general outcome of those misconceptions - The film is perhaps a little more abstract.

Director / Producer Katharine Round shared; 'I didn't want to be overly demonising of those at the top' and that instead 'I wanted to get into the psyche of how their social position made them feel'.

So, it was never intended to necessarily to provide answers to the growing economic disparity, but more to identify how the social position we find ourselves in, can begin to determine our outlook, our confidence and our self-belief.

The film focusses on two nations, the UK and the US, which to me seemed at times a limiting choice. If we are to truly examine economic inequality then I think contributors needed to vary more drastically in location. I would at least like to know the reasoning behind selecting contributors from these two countries alone. However, with it's intended audience, perhaps it was to ensure that we could identify with the struggles on screen.

There were a few stand out stories for me, but I think also that there were too many contributors to really identify with. Although the idea was to arrange evidence on various levels of the social ladder, it made it hard for the audience to truly connect with any individual. There were moments that inspired some emotion in me, but I cannot recall their names, so perhaps the idea was not that we relate with a single stand out character, but instead relate to a part of the story in all of them.

I know there have been times in my own life where I have identified with feelings of being on top, and perhaps more frequently, being at the bottom. Round shared, 'If you're at the bottom of the pile, you're more likely to suffer depression' and I did, when I was struggling to earn enough money to live in the UK capital. It's a time where you're not quite sure if you're ever going to get the wage you need, and a time that forces you to make decisions that strain every other part of your identity; relationships, hobbies, dreams - they're all put on hold until you've earned enough to pay the rent. I identify with that, but I also identify with the part of me that will one day want to provide for my family, to provide safety and security and be happy in my career, with a fair wage. The film managed to capture both ends of the spectrum without, as Round intended, demonising either.

The film gives a very real analysis and although I really would have liked to draw some conclusion from it it was interesting and fulfilling nonetheless. We are all aware that social inequality exists, that economical disparity is growing and 'The Divide' successfully drew our attention to those characters that made the facts we read so often, come alive.

Visit the website for information on taking action: http://thedividedocumentary.com/take-action