2017 - A Year of Self-Discovery

Perhaps it's a cliché - but 2017 for me, has been a year of self discovery. A year that began with unemployment, crippling anxiety and constant self criticism. A year that is ending with unemployment too, but there's one big difference, and that is that I'm ok.

Late in 2016 I had my first experience of anxiety following a traumatic evening in a pitch black restaurant. Subsequently, I couldn't go out for a meal, I couldn't go to the theatre, I struggled going to the cinema - unless I had an aisle seat and knew I could run out. I couldn't be close with relatives or sit on the bus with the windows all fogged up so I couldn't see outside. I couldn't sit in a busy room unless it was by the door. A lot of Christmas was spent in bed, over analysing why I felt so anxious with the people I love and crying my eyes out because all I wanted was to be ok, to scoop up my nephew and cuddle him and not worry about the nearest exit (or the nearest loo). It left me feeling disconnected and numb to the world and it was a real struggle, sometimes impossible to muster the energy to fight back. (A big thank you to my mum who did absolutely everything over Christmas to understand, who hugged me and let me cry as well as propping me up and pushing me on. Forever there to listen to my woes).

Once back in London, January was hard, but it was the first time Kamal and I had properly spent time together since I'd got back from working in Cardiff in November. Slowly, I felt able to take small steps towards returning to normal. Kamal was patient and supportive and he'd constantly remind me that it was ok to step outside if I needed to, to pop to the loo to take some deep breaths or just take my time. I reminded myself that talking it through with him helped both of us to understand that it wasn't an issue between us, it was that anxiety had a grip of every part of me - but slowly the grip loosened. We started going out for meals and to the cinema, not all without a hitch and a few tears, but I was fighting back and that's all we said we wanted. Kamal was happy to spend more time going for walks and being outdoors, because I felt at my most comfortable in the open. I am eternally grateful for having someone who is willing to listen, to understand, to back off when I need to fight things on my own but to always be there when I need a helping hand. 

I told myself that the first step to fighting anxiety was to begin to accept the parts of me that I didn't always like - like my scars. I took some photos that didn't shy away from showing off my scars, they are a part of me and I refused to let my fear of what people thought of me to get in the way of accepting myself. Eleven months later and it's not a total transformation, work being the hardest place to show this version of me - but I hope to conquer that one too.

At the end of January I was finally offered some interviews after three months of unemployment. I met with a producer at the BBC and a few weeks later was back in the world of work - fighting my anxiety quietly in the background. Work has always helped me - focussing my mind on other things, learning about the world and helping to make my problems feel smaller. At work day to day I felt relatively anxiety-free but I was incredibly nervous about the live broadcast at the end of it. I knew that for two hours we would be live on air and I would be unable to step outside, use the loo or take my time. In March came the big day, and I felt myself getting anxious. But despite the craziness of a live broadcast and two newbies to events commentary sitting in the firing line, it all went well (with the assistance of a couple of Imodium). I was proud of myself at having not had a complete meltdown but at the same time, incredibly frustrated that it had taken an Imodium to put my brain at ease. I told myself that next time, I'd fight it without.

I stopped giving anxiety a name because by putting every hiccup or feeling of unease down to anxiety was giving it power over me. We all get nervous, we all have moments where we think we can't do it - that's not anxiety, that's human. I took each day as it came and did my best. For a few months I had barely drunk any alcohol because I feared what the slight loosening of control would prompt of my anxiety and from about March this year I decided that I could throw caffeine out of my diet too. Alcohol has made a comeback without side effect but caffeine has gone for good and I don't miss it one bit.

Since March I've worked across 6 more programmes this year, including plane journeys and immense pressure - and every one without anxiety. Following the successful flights, I'm back to the old me, lusting over foreign excursions and beauty spots across the globe. I've pushed myself in other ways too. Speaking to people on the phone has always been a big deal for me. Being a researcher I have to swallow that anxiety every day because I want to get the job done and do it well. And as soon as they pick up the phone I love talking to them. But sometimes by the end of the day, when you've been battling away the 'don't pick up the phone' demons - you are absolutely exhausted. But I'd done it.

In August after recovering from an ankle injury involving a curb and a few loud cracks, I decided that football was something I needed in my life again too. Late last year it had really helped to run off the demons with a few 5kms. My belief in my ability suffered a hit at the end of last year on leaving Cardiff City but some games with Orpington Ladies (possibly the most fun and supportive team I've ever played for) and a chance to play at Charlton ground The Valley told me that if I was ever going to do it, then it should be now. So I re-signed with Maidenhead Ladies with a view to play in the Women's Premier League and every Wednesday I've been travelling to Maidenhead for training and every Saturday night too to play on Sundays. Frustratingly my first game resulted in injury, meaning a month of rest, rehab and training which was entirely frustrating and meant a lot of commitment to getting match fit again. But I did, and considering that I committed myself alongside a TV job, which many of you know becomes your entire life - I'm pretty proud that despite anxiety, despite the workload, I came through on a promise to myself to get back in the game. I've got a long way to go to get back to my best, but I'm glad to be in place to do it.

I didn't come out of anxiety completely unscathed. My ability to multitask through a large to-do list left me feeling overwhelmed a lot quicker than usual. By November though, on perhaps the most overwhelming job of them all, remembrance Sunday, I felt back in control and I'm getting better at breaking up my tasks into manageable chunks. I've even got a few edits done at home which have been on a list on my wardrobe for about 3 years!

Two injuries, a few relapses in anxiety-fighting, a cockroach infestation in the flat - all could have thrown me over the edge. In November I was so ill I went through 5 boxes of tissues in a week and even forced myself to drink Lemsip, which to those who know me, is a big no no! And now, in December I'm unemployed. But none of these things won, I did. There were moments when anxiety won, and when the world felt so distant from me that my duvet was about the only obstacle I could conquer - but at the end of the year the resounding victory most definitely goes to me.

I've learned a lot about myself this year. I read a book about my ENFP personality which threw me into a whirlwind of over-thinking every aspect of the way I lived my life, the way I made decisions, the way I interact with others - I had to call it out and forget about it. I learned that analysing everything I do and why I do it is exhausting and sometimes makes a problem bigger than it needs to be, so I've stopped analysing. I've stopped overthinking what other people say to me. I've stopped seeking reassurance from others and tried instead to reassure myself, to be my own best friend, encouraging myself onwards and reminding me to constantly push the limits of what I think I can achieve.

I've pushed myself and tested myself. I've done things that I thought might be too much too soon. I can go to the theatre again, and to big meals in busy restaurants, and venture into the unknown. I may still have to take a few deep breaths to get myself there but ultimately I know as soon as I get there, I'll be absolutely fine. I recognise how much the outdoors benefits me, how much being active benefits me and how lowering my own expectations of myself has been the best thing I've ever done. I've committed myself to football, to work, to various other projects and I've started to feel like myself again - but a version of myself that cares less about what the world thinks of me, and less about piling on the pressure and the constant need to be productive (hence the lack of blogposts this year). I'm ok that right now there's no money coming in, I am deliberately careful with my money for moments like these. I'm ok that a lot of my days off this month I've been in bed til 11 because you know what - I deserve it.

I've been reminded that spending time with friends, family and with the wonderful Kamal is what matters to me and accepting that I am not forever invincible nor always exceptional, may have been a huge shock this time last year, but for now I'm ok with being just ok. My anxiety might still be there somewhere, but it's just going to have to deal with my superior existence - sorry bud.